Hello earthlings, I have officially finished my exams. WOOHOOHOO!!!
I have also cleared up some doubts that I had regarding a certain issue.
I should be happy right?
But no.
I feel numb instead.
I really like what happened today. I found discipline and did revisions for like 4 hours straight and then I went out and had fun. For once, I felt liberated because I was being myself. I didn't have to be Miss Perfect and I like it. I like how I can just be my crazy self in front of somebody. Cos I know it isn't about looks anymore. I scored on that one already, once upon a time. Today was 100% truly, purely and honestly me.
This time, it also wasn't about impressing any longer. I gave up on that, and made peace with it already. I guess it's a good thing cos I can show him what I really am like without having to worry about what he thinks. I can't help but also wonder why I got paranoid of what people will think of me if I was being the usual crazy, technologically bimbotic woman who gets herself lost everywhere she goes to.
If men like me, they are supposed to like me status quo. I realised that I can't and I don't wanna transform myself into being the girl of their dreams. I've made peace with the fact that I may not be what men want, cos all their wants differ. I'm adaptive, but not a chameleon. I can't tailor myself to suit him the way he wants me to. And I'm not asking him to transform for me. That is purely BULLSHIT. The reason why I change has got to be for myself. Like a friend likes to say "I won't lower my standards to raise you". HELL to the YEAH, girlfriend! Spot on!
So today I learnt a lot from you. Thank you for this opportunity for learning. I miss you already.
Can I just tell you that I miss you?
Don't ask me why, although I know you're wondering.
Can I, please?
So,
Do you miss me too?
I don't know what's up with me and weird dreams lately. Would I possibly turn out like that? If I ever did, sometime in the future, I might as well be strangled. I think. Sheesh. Weird, scary, undesirable but scarily possible.
And this afternoon was another epic moment when I got foolish.
Oh my God. Can I beat myself up already?!
Now I feel like laughing, crying and punching the wall.
How how how?
Thank you to
someone I met today. You made my day less sucky. I should have given you a good, passionate kiss before we parted ways. Gahh! Me and my low reception mode.
ALWAYS disrupts me from doing things I wanna do!
Next time we meet, please
remind me that I owe you one kay?
[That's IF you know about this entry! Haha.]I'm feeling poetic tonight. Don't ask me why. I guess I found my inspiration while walking alone just now. It is a cool, windy night and as I was walking down the cement path, I got a sight of the spread in the sky. Like a blanket, the night sky was velvet blue and the stars looked like glitter against it. Stunning. And I saw Orion's belt. It made me wanna sing
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for a bit, but I stopped myself before it could happen. Hurhur.
Sometimes when I miss someone, I'd just lay down on the ground and stare at the sky. The sight of stars just makes me wonder, if whoever I was missing at that time was looking at the same star in the same night, at the same time. Maybe it's just my wishful thinking, I don't know. Maybe it's just what the stars make me feel; I feel that they are an
inspiration for hope. The best thing is, I don't care. Because looking at the magnificent burning matter makes me calm, cool and collected.
I don't know how else to say it. The feeling is just somewhat
magical, therapeutic, serene.
When I was younger, I'd think of the stars as secret little messages that people want me to read when they can't reach me. It's still fun to think that way though because it keeps my imagination going.
So, imagine if people were to post a message to me via the stars in the night sky!
I so wonder what the messages will say!
I bet there will be many diffrerent, crazy things! LMAO!
I lo0ike~!Okay, cheap thrill there.To whoever who wants to feeling-feeling
"loved" tonight, this is for you:
"You are my brightest star; the one whose shine is visible from far"
Why does the heart call upon a name; and when it does, why then is there a burning sensation, much like acid to skin but at the same time we feel at ease?
Tomorrow is my Physics paper. I swear I'm unprepared. The case of bad flu, heartache and demise of a close family friend is not making things any better. I found that my concentration levels are severely plummeting, to my alarm.
I must be selfish. At least just this once I should think about myself and not others. The most important thing now is NOT to cry. Second thing, do my best tomorrow and on the 30th. Third, get well ASAP. Fourth, deal with matters relating to l'amour. Fifth, heal from the emptiness and be strong for my brother.
Yes, that's about all the things I wanna do.
Wish me luck, pray for me!
At this point, I realised that I've pretty much screwed up the 17th to 19th year of my life. Back then, I didn't care about anything, or the consequences of my actions. All I wanted to do was have a taste of what the world is like. What reality, the streets, nightlife and all of life's sinful pleasure was.
True enough, I got everything I wanted.
But I wasn't happy. My life was going to be ruined. Back then, I had war with the boyfriend once a month, I had a poorly paid part time job, low education, et cetra. It came to a point when I thought that I might be turning into those "Hanyut" people; the "
hidup segan, mati tak mahu" idiots. In actuality, I was
underperforming, I was
stagnant and I grew fat from all the laziness in my life. What seemed like "the good life" quickly turned boring, mudane, stale. And I hated it.
So, I turned myself around. I sacrificed my job for better education and I dumped that cheater of a male bitch. Fortunately, now I'm going somewhere. I'm out of the vicious cycle. Next year will be a new year for me and I hope by then, I'll be settled with myself, probably be with someone new, get to be the top 15% in school and achieve my dreams. The REAL dreams.
Until then, of course I've to revise my life. I don't really regret screwing up 2 years of my teenage life though. It is by the experiences I went through that has made me stronger, better and I can now wisely choose which path of life to take.
I admit that I can never be a good, angelic girl. I guess I was never born that way. But what I can be is someone with strong principles, a woman who is brave to admit that she's not perfect, and a respectable female who can be the person she has always imagined herself to be. Someone wise, who would already know the rights and wrongs, the woman who knows how to be happy and love unconditionally.
I'm 21 now, it's time I acted like one.
